Chapter 12 - Riddles
Hook returned to himself and saw Peter looking at him. “How did you do that?” Peter asked quietly.
“How did I do what?” Hook replied, releasing his grip on Peter’s hand.
But Peter did not let go. “I saw you, in my mind. You were a cloud, all red and black. I knew it was you. You touched me… I could see we were connected… was that the binding spell? How did you get there?” Peter did not seem upset, merely curious.
“Yes, that was the spell. I do not like doing that, it puts you at risk; but next time there is a need, I will show you how to do it. It isn’t hard, but I can’t explain it.”
“Am I still broken? Is that what happened?” Peter asked with a worried expression.
“You’re not broken, but you haven’t healed. I’ve been pushing you too hard… I haven’t given you enough time. With the nightmares, the incident with Billy, and today with Davis… I’m sorry Peter. How long has this been going on?”
“I’ve felt two ways about everything since you fixed me, but I thought it was just me not knowing what to do or think. Part of me is ready to give up and follow you, but another part wants me to fight you to the death. But this morning… when I was being cruel… that was the other thing. I thought it was me, but it wasn’t. Now it’s worse, it got a taste of being in control. I can hear a voice, telling me to fight you, and that I’m wrong for wanting to give in.”
Hook frowned. He could understand how Peter could be torn about whether to give in or fight. It was a life or death decision for him, life as a pirate or death as Pan, and in the same circumstances Hook would probably have difficulty deciding. That Peter had to decide at all showed the strength of the spell, since it was contrary to the boy’s nature to surrender and submit. “How do you feel now?”
“Better. I’m too tired to feel angry. And when the other part of me took over again, it was too weak to stay long.”
Hook helped the boy sit up, and put his hook on his shoulder. “I don’t know what to do, Peter. I need you to tell me when something is wrong. I lack patience, and when you act like your old self it quickens me to anger and I can be harsh. But if you are really hurt, I will do everything I can to help you. You’re too important to me.”
Peter nodded, and looked at the man’s hand he was holding. He saw an opal ring on Hook’s finger. “I never saw you wear jewelry before, Captain. Where’d you get it?”
Hook looked at the ring. He had put it on, hoping he could somehow cross the distance through force of will and reach the hag. But it was dead now, and had helped him not at all. “It was a gift from a friend.”
Peter touched the stone curiously, fascinated by the flashing colors, so like fire beneath the surface. When Peter’s finger made contact, something completely unexpected happened.
*Peter?* came the hag’s thought, fraught with surprise and fear. *Hook?*
I remember you! Peter’s thought joined hers. Shimi! What are you doing in Hook’s ring? he thought wonderingly.
You can hear? Hook’s thought blared across them both. Why didn’t you answer me before!
*Go away! Peter’s too strong! You are giving me a headache, boy!*
As if I care, Peter sneered, disdain tingeing the thought. You’ve hurt me worse. You’re the one that helped Hook, aren’t you. You hurt me again, you betrayed me! I promise you I will kill you when I get back.
*Try it brat! Neverland doesn’t need you anymore - *
Both of you shut UP! Hook roared, and both elf and boy quieted. Shimi, he sent gentler, why can you hear me now?
*Peter may be cut off, but he’s not powerless. His magic is reinforcing the ring, so now it is strong enough to cross the distance to reach me*
He needs your help, Hook told Shimi what had happened and what he had seen. Peter also heard, and was afraid of the image of how his mind looked.
But Shimi laughed derisively. *I told you that you had made things worse. I am amazed that he’s healed this well, but it would have been beyond hope for him to be fixed completely. If he weren’t with you, he probably would have. Hate broke him before – your hate for him. Hate keeps him from healing now – his hate for you. He’s shuffled it all off to a dark corner of his mind, he so wants to belong. He’s also put everything fey about himself there, because it keeps him from being like everyone else. Now his magic and his ill feelings are joining forces and are rifting his mind again. He’s Peter and he’s Pan.*
Peter felt dread growing within him, fear that he would break again. Even that other part of him (and it was still him, not someone else, not yet) quailed at the thought that his mind would shatter. Neither part of him wanted to die and both would do anything not to return to the nothingness.
Hook also felt dread. And what if the rift continues?
*He’ll become two boys in one body. One of them will obey you, the other will fight you. But don’t worry, if things continue as they are now, the child will be dead before Pan is strong enough to take over.*
What do you mean, I’ll be dead? Peter thought in panic, Hook echoing his question fearfully.
*Do you really want to know? She asked, a sly purr tingeing her thought.
Yes, Peter demanded.
Hook found himself suddenly being used as a conduit. Shimi couldn’t reach Peter’s mind directly, since the ring was on his finger Hook was the nexus. There came a series of images and emotions, thoughts and memories tearing though his mind. It was sudden, intense, and just as quickly it was over; Hook reeled at the attack.
You BITCH! Pan swore and broke the contact.
Hook was vaguely aware that the floor was coming towards him as he fell from the side of the bed. Everything was black before it reached him.
Peter Pan sat on the bed and stared at the man on the floor. Shimi, apparently in a fit of spite, had opened a door. It wouldn’t remain so for long. Right now, he could undo everything. He could rip out the earring and break the spell. It would hurt, though, and he wasn’t even thinking about his ear. The ties that bound him to Hook would break, and every fairy in the realm would be aware that Peter was alive. Neverland itself would find him, and he would return to the weave of its embrace.
Many things gave him pause. Shimi had also opened his memory spell… he remembered everything, but in a disassociated way. He could remember with perfect clarity everything he had done and been through on the island. But he didn’t feel much emotion over it. She had done it that way to save his sanity, so that he wouldn’t become overwhelmed. Looking back over his past, he suddenly felt very tired. I miss everyone, and for them I would return… but Neverland itself holds little for me. Besides, I have to think of Nibs.
If Peter broke the spell, he and Nibs would have to fight. There could only be one heart to Neverland, and it would either be Nibs or himself. Peter would easily overcome and replace Nibs in the weave, which would be good for him. But if he did that, then Nibs would go through what he had gone through when Neverland had been ripped from him. And there would be no-one there to replace it, as Hook had been there for him. If he broke the spell but did not replace Nibs, he would once again feel that painful void within himself. He would not – could not – go through that again. He’d rather die.
Likewise, regardless of what he did with Nibs, Hook would die. That realization concerned him more than he would have thought it would. If the shock of the loss didn’t outright kill him, he would either go insane or lose the will to live. The void Peter would leave would destroy the Captain. Unlike Peter (through his birthright) and Nibs (through his brotherhood with Peter), Hook had no magic to cushion the severing.
I hate him… but I love him, too. He’s changed, he’s not the same evil pirate I used to fight. I can see he has some good in him; he hides it believing it’s weak. If I thought he could return my love, I could forgive him everything that he’s done to me. If I decide to go back, I will kill him before I do it, so he doesn’t suffer.
Right now, he was one person. Peter and Pan merged together so that he was his old self. And that old self felt pity and love for Captain Hook, even if it was tempered with anger and hate. But this wouldn’t last long. Shimi was giving him the time to decide what he wanted to do, but soon the memory spell would resume and he would go back to the way he was before, unless he broke the binding spell. A return to Neverland would heal him of everything that was wrong with him. He saw that his magic was failing, and when it did he would die.
Peter couldn’t continue indefinitely in his limbo of emotions, he didn’t have the strength for two minds. He wanted…no needed… Hook to love him. He needed the love of a parent. If he received it, Peter and maybe even Pan would be able to let go and Peter could live happily with the pirates. But if Hook could not or would not reciprocate, Pan would eventually take over and end the charade himself, most likely killing both of them in the process. Pan would rather see Peter dead than let him live his life in pain and sadness. Pan would kill him if he betrayed himself- like he had done when he thought he had murdered Billy. But before Pan could react, Peter had to choose.
Why couldn’t I have been normal? Neverland has broken me and patched me up far more than Hook could achieve in a lifetime. I’m tired of being used, whether by man or fairy. I just want peace and happiness. Which ones will hurt me less, the fey or the pirates? Love/hate, stay/go, forgiveness/vengeance, all these presented their arguments.
For Nibs I will not go back to Neverland, not this way. Perhaps I could find a way someday to go back without removing the spell. But I can’t stay here. I can’t endure a life without love and hope. But if I kill myself, I kill Hook too.
He got out of bed and sat on the floor. Hook lay on his back, asleep. Peter touched the man’s cheek, then lifted Hook’s head so that he could slide under it and rest it on his lap. He smiled as he remembered their positions being reversed, and all of the times Hook had done this simple thing to comfort him. He thought of the scar on his chest and the pain from the breaking; he looked at the claw, remembering Hook’s scream of pain and loss when Peter had cut off the hand that used to be there.
“We keep hurting each other, Codfish. We should stop. I’ve decided what I want, but I don’t know if I can trust you to make it happen. Please don’t hurt me again.” And with those words, Peter decided and felt the door close again, forever.
He felt panic rising, and cold fear filled his gut. Most of the memories and revelations he had had were gone again, and he was like he was before. He knew he had had the chance to go home. He knew he had remembered everything. He didn’t know why he didn’t take it, why he had chosen to stay. But he knew this much: he had considered his options and chosen to stay of his own free will. I don’t understand, but I have to trust myself and see it through now. Now he had forgotten the trick of breaking the spell and escaping, and it had been something simple. He remembered he had stayed for Hook, and he remembered what he needed from the man, but he didn’t know why he chose the pirate captain over his friends. And even that knowledge was fading from him. Soon, he would forget everything that had just happened.
He sat on the floor and hummed. Eventually, it became a song. It was a song of loss, but also of hope and fear of the future. Hook had awakened when Peter first spoke, and had listened to the boy’s words. He heard as he floated in a thick fog, without understanding, but he listened and his senses coalesced into reasonable thought.
Hook wanted to open his eyes and say something, to ask Peter what he meant, but he realized he couldn’t move. He fought down the fear and tried harder. He felt Peter’s hand, cool and soft on his weather-beaten face.
“Calm down. I know you’re awake. Shimi made you go to sleep, so she could get to me. She pushed you too hard. You really shouldn’t be awake right now. Your body is still asleep but if you give it time it will wake up too. I’ll keep you company.” Peter talked for a long time, telling stories. He had felt the man’s fear and he knew to keep him distracted. So he told his stories and recounted a few adventures (some of which involved Hook). He sang some fey songs, knowing Hook liked them. After awhile, he became a bit hoarse, and started to worry about why Hook was still down. Finally, he got an idea.
Gently, he eased Hook’s head out of this lap and crawled to where the man’s hand lay. I don’t want to talk to her again, but I have to. He pulled the ring from the man’s finger and placed it on his thumb. It was too large, but as he watched it shrank to his own size to fit perfectly.
*Neverland isn’t shaking and your friend isn’t screaming, so I take it you chose to stay?*
If you plotted with Hook to get rid of me, then why did you give me the chance to escape?
*I wanted you gone, but I swore long ago I would not hurt you again. If that man had done things as he should have, you and he would have forgiven each other and accepted each other. I knew he was willful, and I had doubts about trusting him, but I helped him anyway. I did not realize he could seize control of the spell and warp it to his own designs. He hurt you. He’s still hurting you. He’s a clumsy oaf when it comes to matters of the heart. You suffer, and it’s because of me. I wanted to give you a way out, if your life was unbearable. But I wanted you to remember your past and know the consequences of whatever action you decided to take.*
So I decided to stay, because I thought it would be better here than Neverland?
*I don’t know why you stayed, but I can guess.*
Tell me.
*No. I’ve helped you and jeopardized my own life doing it. Do you have any idea what they will do to me if you come back and I’m found out? I’ve satisfied my vow, now any suffering you endure will be because of you and that man.*
He won’t wake up. Help me wake him up.
*Time heals all things, even as time kills all things. He will awake in time. Try playing for him, he loves your music. It makes him happy. Now go away and leave me alone. I’ll help you no more, brat.*
Shimi?
*What!*
Why do you hate me?
Silence was all he received. I understand why Hook hates me. Did I do something to you? Why did you try to kill me before? Why did you give me to my enemy?
*I don’t hate you. I tried to kill you because you were a threat to Neverland. I foresaw that you could destroy it and all of us too. I did like you, but you had to go. Your mother I do hate. She took my love away, and now only hate remains for me. I sent you away to end the threat you pose and to hurt Kaylee. I made her believe her son is dead. I never hated you. You were just misfortunate enough to have been born in the fairy realm. Now leave.*
Wait! Peter called, but Shimi had cut off contact.
Peter removed the ring. My mother? I thought she was dead. I KNOW she’s dead, so why do this to me to hurt her?
Peter shook his head and went to the desk. He put the ring on it and picked up his pipes. Holding them, he almost felt complete. He smiled, wondering why he had been afraid of them before. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
“Go away! I want no visitors right now,” Peter called in Hook’s voice. For some reason, he knew that the ship should not know the Captain was disabled. After this morning, he had no faith that the new crewmen wouldn’t mutiny for their imprisoned shipmate, or seek retribution against the boy himself. And there were twice as many of the new men as there were of Hook’s old crew.
“Cap’n Hook, sir,” came Smee’s voice through the door. “The men is wonderin’ when yer gonna decide what ta do with Mr. Davis.”
“I haven’t decided yet, Smee. Pan and I are having an important discussion, and the sooner it’s done, the sooner I can deal with that ugly lout.” Peter had a thought, “Smee! Send Mason in. No one else is to disturb me.”
“Ay, Cap’n!” A few minutes later, Mason knocked.
“Enter!” Peter barked in Hook’s voice.
Mason came in and stopped in confusion. He saw Peter sitting on his cot, but Hook was nowhere to be seen.
“Close the door! Were you raised in a barn?” came Hook’s command, but Mason saw that it was the boy that spoke.
He shut the door and frowned, “Peter, I don’t know what yer playin’ at…”
“Hush, Mason, and help me,” Peter said in his own voice. “Captain Hook’s been playing with magic again, and it’s knocked him out,” he explained, pointing to the floor between the two beds.
Mason walked around the end of the bed and saw Hook lying unconscious on the floor. “Is he…”
“No. He’ll wake up, I just don’t know when. He can hear us and feel but he can’t move or speak. He’s fairly upset. I need you to put him on the bed so he can be comfortable. He’s too big for me.”
Mason didn’t ask how the boy knew Hook could hear or that he was upset. When it came to matters between these two, it was best to just nod and keep going. In a couple of minutes, Hook was in his own bed, boots off and body under the covers.
“I’ll tell the men the Cap’n’s in a foul temper and that he’s upset at ya. That’ll explain why neither of ya show and get ya outta yer duties fer now. The old crew would understand, but the new guys can’t be trusted yet. They might think ya did somethin’ and try to attack ya. I don’t wanna have ta fight ‘em.”
“You’d fight for me?” Peter mused.
“’Course we would. Yer a shipmate, and shipmates watch each other’s backs,” Mason replied, shocked. “Ye’ve still got a lot to learn, lad.”
“Thank you,” Peter said sincerely, “that means a lot to me.”
“I’ll bring lunch if yer still in here come noon,” Mason said and left quietly.
Peter sat on the bed beside the man, took a deep breath, and began to play. He played for a long time, and lost himself to the melodies. After a few hours, Mason brought in lunch. He ate and continued entertaining Hook. The Captain woke and slept at intervals, and when he slept Peter either amused himself or took a nap. He began to wonder if Hook was ever going to awaken.
Much later, Hook awoke with a start. I’m free! I can move! He opened his eyes and looked around. It seemed to be late afternoon or early morning. He became aware of a warm lump at his side and frowned as he realized it was Peter. He knew what the boy had done for him while he was paralyzed – talking, playing, impersonating him to keep the crew at ease, even giving him water from time to time – and he appreciated it. But he had also been acutely aware of Peter during that time, and knew something was changed. He had also been thinking a lot about the split in Peter’s mind, and it worried him. He had pondered on Peter’s words from when he had awaked to the paralysis: “I’ve decided what I want, but I don’t know if I can trust you to make it happen… For you I will stay… I love and I hate you.”
I don’t believe I can trust him, especially now that I know there’s a thing in his mind that’s waiting for a chance to kill me. Peter will always hate me and I deserve it. So why does he act like he doesn’t? I have no idea what he’s doing. I have to be more careful, or he will destroy me. He vowed to never let his guard down and keep a safer distance from the dangerous child.
He sat up slowly, careful not to disturb the boy too much. He got up and went to the tray on the desk. He was thirsty and his stomach growled, so he devoured the food that waited there and drank every drop of water. He sighed when he was done and felt much better. How can something so small be so dangerous? Hook mused as he watched Peter sleep. He noted the boy’s pale face and bruised-looking eyes. Peter was thinner, too, and Hook felt sudden anxiety for his boy’s health. Too much stress. He’s not doing well on this ship, but he’s trying. Every time he gets a foothold, he gets knocked back down.
“Peter,” he called and reached to shake the boy. Peter’s eyes opened and he jerked back, disoriented and startled. He fell over the edge of the bed and hit the floor with a thud.
“Ow!” he yelled as his sore back connected with the wood. He sat up, awake and aware now, and looked at Hook. “You scared me!”
“You should be scared. I am the most feared pirate in the world. You are merely a boy, my prisoner and servant,” Hook growled.
Peter’s sheepish grin evaporated and he looked deeply hurt. “I…” Peter couldn’t speak, he felt as if he had been slapped. Tears welled up and he tried to choke them back.
Hook knew he had erred. He felt Peter’s pain and disappointment. He didn’t know why Peter reacted like that, but he knew the boy had taken him seriously. He held out his arms and said soothingly, “I was joking, Peter. You haven’t been a prisoner since I fixed the spell. You’ve never feared me, and I don’t want you to start now. I want your respect, not your fear. Fear is for those dogs outside. I have better plans for you, Peter, and fear isn’t a part of them, not anymore.”
Peter relaxed a bit as it sunk in that Hook had been teasing. “Please don’t joke like that. However you feel about me, I have to believe I’m more than merely your cabin-boy.”
“Of course you are more than my cabin-boy. You are Peter Pan, the boy I’ve fought for years. You are my treasure, my prized possession. You are more important to me than any other person in the world.” He felt awkward; he had never been good at being honest with his feelings, not even to himself. He saw the look on Peter’s face and knew he wasn’t helping things. He quit talking and returned the boy’s stare, afraid he’d say something wrong.
I chose wrong, and I’m stuck here again. I missed my last chance. What was I thinking? This is Captain Hook. He doesn’t even love himself, and he’ll always hate me. Was remembering my life in Neverland so horrible that I preferred this? Suddenly he was crying, shaking with the force of it as he felt the hopelessness his future promised.
“Now what did I do?” Hook whispered, bewildered. He walked to Peter and picked him up. He hugged him close, not sure of what else to do or say. “I’m sorry,” was all he could manage.
Peter felt comforted by the embrace, the contact giving him a sense of Hook. He realized Hook didn’t hate him, but he didn’t know what the man DID feel… everything was too mixed up. The day had been too much for the boy – the fight, Shimi, losing his chance to leave, worry about the Captain – all had taken their toll. He gripped Hook back and cried himself out. When he calmed, he could speak again. “I was worried. I knew you’d wake up, but I didn’t know when. If you had still been asleep when I woke up, I was going to tell Mr. Smee so he could help me watch you.”
“Thank you. You did the right thing by not telling everyone. I heard you impersonate me. I also heard you play your pipes.”
“Shimi said it would make you happy.”
“Shimi… what did that hag do?”
“She put you out so she could get to me.”
Hook pulled back and looked at Peter closely. “Did she hurt you?”
Peter shook his head, “No, she showed me things and made me remember things…”
“What things?” Hook asked anxiously. If he remembered that the binding spell is contained in the earring, then he may remove it and leave me.
“I don’t remember most of it… she took it all away again. But I do understand what is happening in my mind. I understand why I split and I can guess what might happen.”
“Explain it to me then,” Hook said sternly. “If there is a chance that you may try to kill me, I want to know so I can watch for it.”
Peter decided not to tell Hook that he had had a chance to break the spell. He didn’t remember why he had chosen, and it would just raise more questions he couldn’t answer. “I’m waiting to see what happens right now. I want to belong more than I hate you. So I’m Peter right now, Pan is just whispers and bad feelings. But if life here becomes too horrible…” Peter hesitated, then plowed on. “I’ll become just Pan. If he decides I’m being hurt too much and my life is too miserable, he will kill me – put me out of my misery I guess. He might kill you first, for revenge… it depends on if I can forgive you or not.”
“Then I’ll be a marked man. For everything we’ve done to one another, it will be a miracle for either of us to find forgiveness. What if you are happy here?”
“If I can be happy here and accept this as my life, the rift might go away again, or at the least I’ll never become Pan, I’ll stay Peter forever.”
Hook frowned and thought for awhile. “You are my crewman. I will not coddle or cater to you just to keep you happy. You’d become spoiled and grow to be useless and weak. But you ARE my boy, and in a way I’ve adopted you. Therefore I am responsible for your well-being. If you need anything, I’ll provide it. If you’re afraid, I’ll protect you. If you’re hurt, I’ll comfort you.” And if you continue to waste away, I’ll release you, he thought. He wasn’t going to say it, or the boy might decide to use it as a way to get home. But if you try this life and you just can’t live away from there… I’d rather let you go than watch you die.
Hook ruffled Peter’s hair and for once the boy didn’t seem to mind. “Have you eaten? Doesn’t matter, you need to eat more. You are too thin; I don’t want you losing your strength. I’ll put in an appearance on deck while you go to the galley and get some food. We’ve lost the day, so tonight we’ll play chess or maybe read a story. No duty and no lessons for the remainder of the day.”
Peter smiled, he said he adopted me. He didn’t understand why that made him happy, but it did. He felt his affection for the man grow, and the voice of resistance got that much weaker. Feeling hopeful and content, he went to the kitchen to do Hook’s bidding.